WELL, we did it boys. Champions of Huddersfield and District League, Reserve Division Two! A very much deserved title and reward for the hard work and endeavour put in by every member of the team. And to do it without losing a game makes it all the more special! Invincibles!
Howard has asked me to do a review of the season, complete with a character assassination of each player (I mean a short piece on how well each player has performed), so here goes, I'll try to make it as entertaining as possible.
There have been so many highs to talk about and, to be honest not many, if any, lows.
The main highs are, undoubtedly, stuffing the Reserve side from charter-standard (ha ha) club Uppermill in the Richardson Cup (again!), and doing a magnificent double over title-rivals Westend.
The only low I can think of, aside from not winning every game, is the defeat to Netherton Reserves in the Richardson Cup. Oh wait, hang on, there's more........the refereeing performance of Alex Marsh against Heyside was as low as it can possibly go, as was Marsh's Bambi on Ice substitute performance against Wooldale, not to mention Stephen Chamberlain's dreadful red shoes, but more of that later.
Let's get to the player/management appraisals.
HOWARD JOHNSON (manager) - a highly successful first season in full-time management for the old man. Johnson (50ish) did find time to play in a couple of games, but quickly realised that his playing days are, like his hair, long gone. His half-time team-talks are less Alex Ferguson hairdryer-esque, more fluffy marshmallow, pet pooch. But who can fault a title-winning boss?
ALEX MARSH (assistant manager) - Marsh's touchline rants/hissy-fits/screaming tantrums, call them what you will, are fast becoming legendary. Marsh's inability to remain calm under pressure, or under no pressure for that matter, is second to none. He can regularly be seen trying to take the piddle out of opposition players - often without success. He also can't referee or run a line for toffee, and has a liking for taking pictures of the lads in the changing rooms after games.
GARY PEMBERTON (goalkeeper) - has been known, on occasion, to lose his rag with a few unsuspecting Diggle players. Pemmy was quite quiet by his standards in the early part of the season, perhaps suffering from Asa Cocker's sudden transfer to Uppermill, leaving Pemmy with no-one to take his anger out on. Pemberton's kicking is second to none and has no doubt led to quite a few Diggle goals this season. His bodychecking is also of the highest order, as many strikers have found out, and he saved a penalty at Meltham. Big fan of Alison Moyet, or is it Belinda Carlisle?
JOHN POOLEY (goalkeeper) - the quiet man. Has a very disobedient dog. But that should not detract from his performances on the pitch in what has been an excellent first season for Pooley. Made some crucial saves, and even damaged his shoulder/collarbone when cleaning out a Westend striker in the penalty area. Johnson turned down the penalty appeals to show his refereeing is on a par with Marsh's. Pooley's performances earned him a few call-ups to the first team. But he belongs with champions, so he came back to the third team.
STEPHEN CHAMBERLAIN (defender) - ahh, the man with the red trainers. A fashion gaffe if ever there was one. But if only he had the fabled shoes on when he stepped up to take a penalty against Meltham (he missed horribly I'm told). Chamberlain is captain of this Diggle side and it is easy to see why, with his quiet encouragement and positive advice. Hang on, who am I talking about here? Surely not Chamberlain. Anyway, a good season for the big man, and he adds that bit of pace to Diggle's backline.
BILLY MARSHALL (defender) - when he's not busy downing a pint in the Queen Vic or trying to stop his son Bradley jumping off a roof, EastEnders' Max Branning does a sterling job at the heart of Diggle's defence. Marshall had threatened to go off the rails in mid-season when he almost caused a riot in a Lydgate pub, but he has shrugged off the furore to be one of Diggle's most consistent performers. He also tells a better story than Paul Godard, by all accounts.
PAUL GODARD (defender) - the eyebrows say long-lost brother of Liam and Noel Gallagher. The defending says long-lost relative of Bobby Moore. Only kidding - about the defending. Godard senior (nearly 35 at last count) has adapted well to a few positions this season. He also runs a little handyman business, so give him a call. Godard has improved remarkably this season for two reasons - 1) He is no longer fixated with a blonde barmaid at a local pub. And 2) He hasn't head-butted anyone and therefore hasn't served a lengthy suspension. But he doesn't tell as good a story as Marshall, so given the choice, opt for Billy. Godard also needs a new shirt because he puked on his after a night out to celebrate winning the league.
DANNY ANCHOR (right-back) - a bout of food poisoning and a groin injury spoiled the end of Anchor's season. A classy, ginger-haired right-back who always looks like he's just walked out of a dusty room. Anchor has brought stability to the back four and a distinct lack of drinking ability to the pub after games. Has looked tired in recent weeks, perhaps the effects of spending time on the touchline with Marsh.
DAVE WALTERS (midfield/defence) - one of the players of the season and as soft as a newly-fluffed pillow. Imperious on the pitch, but off it has a tendency to invite people to non-existent events. He also has dodgy taste in head-gear, but we'll let him off as he has undoubtedly brought added steel to this Diggle side. Consistently scores screaming goals - but only in the warm-up before games. Dave, you give very little away and I'm struggling to find things to take the mick out of! Top season, pal.
GARY STOTT-HOLT (midfield/defence) - now here's a man who, unlike Walters, is an open book when it comes to things to take the mick out of. If you didn't already know (and I would be surprised if you didn't) Gary drives a Porsche, wears an eight-grand/three-grand/six-grand watch, and owns a diamond-encrusted ring. The guy shits dollar bills. Gary has had a solid season and even pulled off the masterstroke of getting his dad to ref Diggle's game at Mount (remember the little bald ref? Spitting image of Gary). He has played all over the park to good effect, and has also played all over the park to bad effect. But he scored a screamer against Uppermill and his lovely wife is top of the pops when it comes to advice on ankle injuries. Top season, Gary.
GARETH GODARD (midfield) - as camp as a pink row of tents at Christmas, Diggle's answer to fashion icon Gianni Versace has added a touch of class to this Diggle side. His free-kick and corner deliveries are second to none, as is his time to get ready for a night out. Nearly had his leg broken by Chris Powell against Mount, but returned in some style to play a key role in wins over Westend and Honley. Ignore the fact he shaves Chris Moore's back for him, Gareth is a key player for Diggle.
ADAM HAYES (midfield) - has the demeanour of a surly teenager because he is a surly teenager. So laid back he is practically lying down, 18-year-old Hayes surprisingly injects a bit of drive into Diggle's performances with his lung-busting runs. His talent for the slower, more relaxed game of cricket means he has missed a few games this season, but when called upon has done well. Has been known to wear 'phat' shoes.
KENNY SIMPSON (midfield) - old bastard Simpson is not exactly Matthew Le Tissier or Alan Shearer when it comes to taking penalties. Simpson (40ish) stepped up to take what, at the time, was a crucial penalty at Wooldale late in the season. Suffice to say, the Wooldale 'keeper sought Simpson out after the game to buy him a few pints, after Simpson dollied up the most soft and simple of penalties you are ever likely to see. Simpson was so embarrassed he missed Diggle's trophy presentation to go and watch Manchester City v Aston Villa. Has a fondness for wearing tight-fitting bodysuits (his wife is a very lucky lady) and taking pictures while speeding along snow-covered roads in his car.
RHYS THOMAS (pizza delivery) (compiled by Howard Johnson) - not one to let the facts get in the way of a good story. Recently ex-communicated from Hucknall Town FC for reporting their performances over Easter as being worse than Jesus over the same period (and he was nailed to the cross!). The image of a young, lithe, agile, flame-haired and perfectly formed specimen comes readily to mind whenever Rhys is mentioned ... but enough of his sister. Injury prone this season, no more so than when asked to go and sub for the 1st team. Scored his customary 40 yarder early in the season but has blasted high and wide ever since. Unfortunate addiction to spraying his balls with Deep Heat!!
ADAM FITZGERALD (attack) - moody, irascible and temperamental, 'Lights Out' Fitzgerald is not a man to be messed with. Has delightful fashion sense and models a fine line in stripey underpants and bright pink shirts. The old man also lacks the staying power on nights out and regularly skulks off home before 7.30pm. Like many others in this Diggle team, Fitzgerald is a dab hand at missing penalties, but has scored more than his fair share of important goals. The one that springs to mind is the thunderbolt left-footer to beat Westend. A scorcher - no other word for it. Top season, Fitzy. Ps. for next season can you train your dog to attack Jack Russells from Scholes?
JASON STONE (attack) - Jay-boy might be going bald, but it has not affected his ability on the pitch. A return of 40-plus goals is some good going. Smokes like a chimney, and is more likely to pass wind than the ball, but Stone is definitely Diggle's star player, the marquee name, the headline-maker, the cous cous drizzled with oil, sex on legs etc etc. On the flip side, he is also bone idle, crap at darts and from that six-fingered paradise called Delph.
CRAIG BROWN (attack) - the most handsome man at Diggle FC. The rotund striker is all man. He talks for England, drinks like a fish, eats like a horse and, in all honesty could do with shedding a few stone. Likes to think he has a way with the ladies and believes he has good fashion sense, when in fact he wears sandals and is bald, ginger and grey. In all seriousness, I could write pretty much anything here and he wouldn't care less. Top man and an important cog in the Diggle machine. Also drives a car that Richard Dawson can only dream of owning. Has chipped in with his fair share of goals this season, including a stunning chip on the cow field at Wooldale.
ALEX PADGHAM (defence/goalkeeper) - the star of the Delph Monty, toe-tapping, thigh-slapping Padge only started to turn up when it became clear Diggle were in with a shout of winning the league. Perhaps his finest hour was when he donned the gloves and went in net for the final 20 minutes against Westend after Pooley got injured. His butter-fingers approach to goalkeeping certainly aged a few Diggle players that day.
RICHARD DAWSON (midfield) - gossip-girl to the extreme. Dawson is crocked with a knee injury. The sound of his knee going pop at training will live with me forever.........whenever I'm feeling down or need to smile, I just think of that 'pop'. Dawson played a few games at the start of the season and swears blind he set up a few goals. Who cares? The lad takes two to three hours to get ready for a night out and still comes out like he got dressed in the dark. Refuses to give anyone a lift anywhere, has atrocious taste in clothes, is addicted to Facebook, and doesn't have a 'type' when it comes to women. Hope the knee gets better soon laddy.
TOM SARSONS (midfield) - known as the vinegar man because of his second name and because I've just christened him as that a few seconds ago, Tom played half a season before disappearing into thin air for reasons only known to himself. Suffice to say it could be because he called his newborn child 'Dawson', presumably after Diggle's own Richard Dawson.
IAIN SWALLOW (midfield) - a poser to the max. Thinks nothing of taking topless pictures of himself before posting them onto Facebook. Swallow is one for the future without a doubt. As fit as a fiddle and strong in the tackle, Swallow only lets himself down by having purple hair. Is best friends with Samir Nasri/Cesc Fabregas.
ROB BROOKS (left-back) - Diggle's very own Dame Edna Everage. The left-footed Brooks was outed as a cross-dresser in March, and was not embarrassed in the slightest by it. Don't be surprised to see a sexy pair of knickers next time he gets undressed in the changing rooms. Injury has blighted his campaign, but solid when called upon.
SCOTT LONGLEY (right-back) - Scotty Boy must have the cleanest boots at Diggle FC because he has spent most of the season in the river collecting balls. He must also have developed webbed feet and a quack. In all seriousness, Longley, by his own admission, has been frustrated at his lack of game time. But when called upon he has carried out his duties with the minimum of fuss. However, he is yet to furnish me with a free pint from behind the bar at the Hanging Gate. Over to you Scotty.
LUKE HARGREAVES (utility) - a machine. Been injured most of the season but when he has played he has been pretty damn impressive. Enjoyed an extended holiday because of the recent volcanic explosion in Iceland, and has been described as "unbelievably fit" by a young lady from Mossley. When I say fit, I don't mean ability to run a marathon, I mean fookin gorgeous.
THE FANS - Diggle have enjoyed a healthy fan base this season and it is much appreciated. More of the same next season please!!
