DIGGLE 'A' 8
NEW MILL RESERVES 0
DIGGLE LINE-UP (4-4-2): Gary Pemberton/ Danny Anchor, Stephen Chamberlain, Billy Marshall, Paul Godard/ Gary Stott-Holt, Dave Walters, Kenny Simpson, Rhys Thomas/ Adam Fitzgerald, Jason Stone. SUBS: Alex Padgham (for Anchor 55), Adam Hayes (for Thomas 70), Luke Hargreaves (for Simpson 70), Scott Longley (not used).
GOALS - Godard 10, Own Goal 13, Stone 14, Thomas 25, Marshall 28, Stone 66, Stone 70, Stott-Holt 83.
SUPER Diggle slammed EIGHT goals past a hapless New Mill side to move within a point of league leaders Honley.
New Mill simply could not live with Diggle's movement and passing on a bright and sunny day at Churchill.
Indeed, Diggle should have probably doubled their tally, such was their dominance against a New Mill side that resembled the cast of Grange Hill, such was the youthfulness of some of their side.
Anyway, first things first, this reporter has received considerable flak for not doing a match report on Diggle's 3-0 win at Mount on March 13.
My apologies. I didn't get chance on the Sunday, and technical hitches throughout the week scuppered my chances of getting it done.
However, it's nice to know that so many people were looking forward to reading it!
I'll do a quick overview of what that report was going to be like. Headers from Jason Stone (two) and Craig Brown won the game for Diggle.
Although the game is more likely to be remembered for Brown's sublime swing-and-a-miss effort in the second half when the ball connected with his standing leg.
That report would also have seen Dave Walters and Gary Stott-Holt come in for some good-natured ribbing.
Walters because you should be wary of accepting an invite from him. He invited anyone who fancied it to the Angel to watch the Manny Pacquiao fight later that night.
Alas, Walters, who has been imperious in midfield for Diggle this season, was nowhere to be seen when of couple of Diggle lads showed up and the Angel was shut. Cheers Dave.
Stott-Holt because, quite magnificently, he engineered it so his dad was the referee! The little bald fella was a spitting image.
This week's report is also been written later than usual because this reporter spent Sunday in Blackpool with a delightful young lady. The Wild Mouse, at the Pleasure Beach, is quite simply the best ride ever. And it also gets a lady sat between your legs, which is always a bonus. I really hope she doesn't read this.
But I can remember enough to cobble something together.
The afternoon didn't start well because no-one turned up to open the changing rooms, meaning all players had to get changed in the car-park and give certain Greenfield residents a nice view to go with their lunch.
Then, down on the pitch, left-sided pairing Paul Godard and Rhys Thomas had to move a nice pile of dog do. Referee Howard Johnson also had to move some. Nice. Dog-owners - go walk your pooches on the rugby pitches!
Anyway, Diggle were far from dog s**t as they flew out of the blocks and raced into a 3-0 lead by the 14th minute.
The first goal was a beauty from Godard as he curled home, right-footed, from the corner of the 18-yard box. Carrying those enormous eyebrows around clearly does not affect Godard's ability on the pitch. And since he gave up lusting after a piece of skirt at a Lydgate pub, his performances have improved dramatically.
Diggle's second was claimed by Stone, but there is not a chance on this earth that he's having it. His cross from the right was put over the line by an unfortunate New Mill defender.
A minute later, Stone, who earlier hit the post, did score although I really can't remember what it was like. My apologies Stoney, I'll buy you a new comb to say sorry.
Adam Fitzgerald made his mark on the game in the 22nd minute when he contrived to miss an open goal from two/three yards after Thomas's miss-hit shot. Fitzy, Alex Marsh insisted that was mentioned.
Incidentally, a petrified Fitzgerald almost jumped through the roof when his young lad brought a pigeon into the changing-rooms after the game. "It's a real bird!!" said Fitzgerald.
Diggle's fourth was a beauty. The best goal of the game. A stunner. Magnificent. Bet you're wondering who scored it? Thomas of course.
Stott-Holt threaded a superb ball through to the jet-heeled (yeah right) winger and he calmly slotted past the 'keeper, who, let's be honest, was older than Gary Pemberton and Kenny 'Old Bastard' Simpson put together.
Thomas was playing through the pain barrier thanks to his captain Stephen Chamberlain. Bits of Thomas's ankle are still turning up around Saddleworth Baths after a tackle at training that Ryan Shawcross would have been proud of.
Billy Marshall popped up in the 28th minute to hammer home Diggle's fifth. If you weren't aware, Billy plays the character of Max Branning in BBC One soap 'EastEnders' and he has got some juicy storylines coming up so give it a watch.
Stott-Holt then missed a sitter of his own after being played in by Thomas. Again, Gazza, Alex Marsh insisted this was mentioned in the report.
Half-time 5-0, and all the talk was of improving Diggle's goal difference.
But it took 21 minutes for Diggle to register another goal when Stone slotted home. The striker completed his hat-trick four minutes later for Diggle's seventh.
Stone and Fitzgerald would then have a lovers' tiff which resulted in Stone swapping positions with Chamberlain and thus giving Diggle an extra turn of pace up front.
Stott-Holt made it eight in the 83rd minute and celebrated like he had just won the lottery. "Yes! F***ing yes!!" he screamed after nodding home at the back post.
At the other end, Pemberton was having a quiet afternoon. So much so that he told this reporter, who was now on ball-getting duties near the river, that he wanted to take someone out (and I don't mean for a nice meal and a drink).
No more than 30 seconds later the opportunity arose. New Mill striker chases a long ball over the top but is comfortably beaten to it by Pemberton, who clears it to safety and then completes a bone-shuddering body check on the unfortunate youngster.
Pemberton's body check, complete with arms swinging in in a hugging motion, evoked memories of the wrestler Big Daddy.
On the subject of Pemberton, he has asked that I apologise for my shoddy journalism in an earlier report. But he can get stuffed, there's no chance I'm saying sorry to that old fool!
Only kidding. In the report I said Pemmy was 40, when he is in fact only 39. I also said he had an Alison Moyet song as his ringtone. That was also wrong, it was Belinda Carlisle.
I understand that Pemberton is a sensitive person and I believe he has been deeply affected by the report, so I offer my heartfelt apologies and only hope that the counselling sessions he is now receiving help him recover.
MAN-OF-THE-MATCH - Paul Godard
