SCHOLES 1 DIGGLE 'A' 5
GOALS - Fitzgerald (Diggle) 15, Right-winger (Scholes) 40, Broadbent (Diggle) 72, 80, 86 and 88.
DIGGLE LINE-UP (4-4-2) - Gary Pemberton/ Danny Anchor, Stephen Chamberlain, Billy Marshall, Gary Stott-Holt/ Wayne Broadbent, Dave Walters, Kenny Simpson, Gareth Godard/ Craig Brown, Adam Fitzgerald. SUBS: Paul Wood (for Brown 55), Rhys Thomas (for Walters 80), Scott Longley (for Anchor 86).
SUPER Wayne Broadbent bagged four goals in 16 minutes to give title-chasing Diggle a resounding 5-1 win at Scholes.
The wiry winger was put up front alongside Adam Fitzgerald in the 55th minute in a tactical masterstroke by Diggle's management duo Howard Johnson and Alex Marsh.
Broadbent's pace was far too much to handle for Scholes's pensioner backline as he netted four breakaway goals between the 72nd and 88th minute.
The Scholes defence was so old that they were probably playing football before Diggle's old guard of Gary Pemberton and Kenny Simpson were even a twinkle in their mothers' eyes - and Pemberton and Simpson are no spring chickens.
Up until Broady stole the show, Diggle were starting to get frustrated at numerous missed chances and even started responding to catty comments coming from the Scholes touchline instead of getting on with the game.
There were a reasonable number of people supporting the home side, which was a surprise given that the Emmerdale Farm omnibus was probably on the TV at the same time.
They were surprisingly overjoyed at their side's ability to be drawing at home to Diggle - there's nothing like a bit of ambition is there!
But their silence was deafening as Diggle slammed in goals two, three, four and five to remain unbeaten and hot on the heels of Honley at the top of the table.
Man-of-the-match was Broadbent. Man-of-the-weekend? Pint-sized camp-a-thon Gareth Godard.
The winger moaned to this reporter before the game that he wasn't getting enough of a mention in these reports.
I said I would include him in this one and, brilliantly, he ended up giving me plenty of ammunition to use.
Unfortunately, none of it came on the pitch as Godard had a quiet game by his standards.
After the game, Godard was desperate to get himself tarted up for the team/Craig Brown's birthday night out.
He asked 'old bastard' driver Simpson to take a detour to Chris Moore's house, where he lives, so he could "quickly" get ready.
Godard claimed he would be two minutes. Bollocks. Simpson was changed and ready to go in two minutes. Godard wasn't.
He had a shave. He then shaved his chest. I'm pretty sure his balls got a going over as well.
Simpson and myself had to resort to looking at Moore's impressive array of trophies he has hidden away on the mantelpiece in his living room.
Godard eventually appeared, 30 minutes later, looking like an extra from the TV show 'Queer As Folk'.
Then there was that age-old dilemma - "does this belt go with my shoes?" (Eh?), and "I'm not sure if this fluffy blue cardigan is the right look."
Simpson and myself both told him that he looked gorgeous and that we would probably sleep with him, just to get him out the house. I won't even go into the problems he had with his hair.
Then, later on in the Hanging Gate, after Brown had downed eight shots in 32.7 seconds, came a startling revelation.
Godard shaves ****** back for him! Once a week, probably using an array of sensual oils. There are rumours he also does his sack and crack for him as well.
Either way, the house they share in Greenfield is definitely not a place for children.
Now, back to the game. Diggle started brightly and took the lead through a Fitzgerald toe-bung in the 15th minute. A goal to grace any game, without a doubt.
'Lights Out' Fitzgerald got a going over in last week's match report, and rightly so.
I was going to leave him alone this week, but then he rocks up for the night out in a bright pink t-shirt, looking like a dancer from a Dame Edna Everage cabaret act.
He also missed a fair few chances in the game and, by his own admission, had a bad day at the office.
Maybe a relaxing massage from Godard would help.
Brown forced a good save from the Scholes 'keeper in a one-on-one, before Diggle should have had a chance to go two up.
Broadbent burst into the box and was scythed down by the Jan Koller lookalike. Farmers from miles around could hear the sound of the kick administered by the giant.
However, the referee had other ideas and ludicrously said Koller had got the ball. He hadn't.
And to make matters worse, moments later Scholes equalised with an offside goal in the 40th minute. Diggle were incensed, Scholes celebrated like, as Paul Wood pointed out, they had found a horny sheep.
Scholes must have thought the game was there for the taking, especially as they had the advantage of the considerable slope in the second half.
But Diggle had other ideas and kept plugging away. Fitzgerald missed two glaring chances and Broadbent saw a pea-roller hacked off the line.
Gary Stott-Holt requested that I mention his last-ditch tackle when the scores were tied, so there you go. Gary Stott-Holt - the new Bobby Moore.
Relief all round then when Broadbent rounded the 'keeper to make it 2-1. Scholes tired after that and collapsed, with their boisterous fans perhaps wishing they had stayed in for Emmerdale after all.
Back to the clubhouse and Diggle were delighted to see a picture on the wall of assistant manager Alex Marsh.
The bloke in the picture was a fatter version of Marsh in years to come. It was uncanny. We must go back to get ourselves a copy.
Simpson excelled himself on the drive home. The man, who has the most cluttered up car you are likely to see, has clearly never seen snow before.
On the drive over the Isle of Skye, Simpson's camera-phone saw some serious action even though he was driving.
At one point he had his arm fully outstretched out of the window, while trying to capture the perfect picture, on a road that was actually closed and was covered in snow, ice and fog! Health and safety my arse!
MAN-OF-THE-MATCH - Wayne Broadbent.
